It's all about the rock

Hi fans

As we all know, it is my destiny to be a rock star. I had no idea it would happen so quick. Let me explain...

It started with me doing my best Tim Farris impersonation - except I am not as fat and my trolley is way better than his skateboard. (for those who have forgotten, Tim Farris was the talentless one in INXS who was old and fat)

So I sat down and wrote a couple of killer riffs on my guitar and xylephone. Totally thumbs up.

Then I came up with a killer solo, it was so good, I only needed one hand to totally shred.

I then threw a few words together. They went a little something like this:

I like the custard
I like the stew
And in the mornings
I like to poo

I like the stroller
I like the car
And in the evenings
I like mum's bra

Cos I'm a hard-rockin', sweet talkin' ladies man
Slammin' shots of milk, get lovin' where I can
Another town, another cot
Dont touch me! I'm too damn hot!

Well my super rock hit 'Too Damn Hot' went to number one, got played every three minutes on Triple M and I was inundated with fans. Above is a pic of me kissing one. Yeah, Ok, she was a bit of a dog, but you gotta look after your admirers.

And then I won an ARIA Award for 'Best New Release by a Child Under Two Years of Age'. I pipped one of them Australian Idol kiddies. And rightly so. This is a cheeky pic of me thanking my manager, Mum. She wasn't expecting this much thanks...

So, now I am a massive solo artist, there is only one thing left to do. Form a superband with the biggest rock star in Melbourne, and that would be my man Sid. Now he has dumped that talentless mum of his, we can rule the world's stages.

Rock it
Harper

Farmyard antics

Hi everyone

Yep, a bonus blog.

Huzzah! Last week, mum and I went out to Lisa's place at Badgery's Creek. Her and her fella Greg have a bunch of chooks and dogs and stuff, cos they like that sort of thing. Turns out, I do too.

It wasn't just me and mum though, Linda and her kids Naomi, James, Chloe and Olivia were there, as was Bec and her two girls, Grace and Laura.

This is Lisa showing Grace and James a chook. Yes James, they look different to nuggets.

Mum thinks Olivia and I could be twins. We should get some rings, so we can say Wonder Twins powers...activate! As I am Zan, and cool, I take the form of a glacier, while Olivia, who is Jayna, she would be an eagle. Then we would beat up the baddies.

Grace was right to wonder what I was doing here. Actually, I was just getting to know the chickens a little better, understand their life style, you know, bond a bit. By lying in their coop.

The Roberts/Clark clan, from left - Naomi, Laura, Bec, Chloe, Olivia, Linda and James. I think I was lying down with the chickens at this point.

So there you have it, this city boy sometimes gets out into the country (well, kinda not really but sorta) to mix it with the farmyard animals.

Lots of fun.

Cheers
Harper

Where is the oven? No, really?

Hi there

Hanging out in Victoria was fun. As these beaut pics prove...

Here's me, mum and Sidney. As usual, mum is obsessed with Sid. At least I got the memo it was 'wear green' day. Mum is holding 23kg of prime beef here.

After a bath, I like to hang out with mama and tell her all about, well, the bath. It was wet. I then did a nudie run and there might be some pics of me posing it up with Auntie Alice. But, you know, with this Bill Henson drama, I just can't publish them here.

Papa may have had an operation on his hand, but he was still cool with carrying me about the Ryan family grounds in Shep-mate. Papa had been hunting - look at all those nappies he captured!

I never knew till this trip that Sid was a cowboy. Here he is strapped in to enjoy some grits.

The London Underground looks like spaghetti. Makes me hungry.

Family lunch in Shep-mate. The coolest people are sitting on the floor eating grated cheese. As you can see, Greg, Alice, Sid, papa and mama are therefore not cool. Sid should so ditch the mashed pumpkin and move on to biscuits.

Time to leave Shep. I was done with that town - it's too small for me, and mum wouldn't let me cruise down the Lake to chuck some laps. Not even visit the Kenwood Cow outside the Aussie.

Who said mum is boring? Um, that would be me and Sid on the drive back to Melbourne.

Yeah, the boys hanging in the kitchen. Greg is asking me here for some advice on home renovation. My advice on kitchens proved invaluable, as the next day Greg ripped the oven out and put a new one...in the lounge room. I didn't tell him to do that. Promise.

My robot twin Sidney is sucking on a toy cone. You can stack them up real high. Well, you used to be able to...I totally hid the blue ones. Good luck finding them Auntie Alice...

Yeah, Victoria huh? Might live here one day.

Cheers
Harper

It's Shep-mate

Hi there

I've been hanging out in Shep-mate with mum, mama, papa and for a few days, Auntie Alice, Uncle Greg and my boy, Sidney.

The below pics really tell the story...

Mum: Let's swap kids, it will be ace. Alice: Sure, yours is probably lighter. Mum: Let's make them look like the Village People. Me: Yeah, I will YMCA this time only.

Mum: Mama, Papa, you should join in. Mama and Papa: That sounds great. Alice: Isn't Sidney just lovely? Me: Hang on, this is supposed to be about me.

Mum: Where you going Harper? Me: I don't like where this is going. Alice: Oh, little man, you want a biscuit? Mum: Look at that tummy, he don't need a biscuit. Me: Hey, I'm not fat, just too short for my weight.

Me: Hey Uncle Greg, you better stop taking pictures mate or there will be problems. Greg: Are they green beads you are wearing? Me: I don't have to take this...

Me: Shep-mate is a big place, I am sure I can find other people who appreciate green beads on a 14-month-old.

Cheers
Harper

Got the skills to pay the bills

Hi everyone

I have many skills, as I am sure you all know. But have you actually seen these skills in action?

Now you can. See below:

Gardening: Here's me potting a gardenia. I am also excellent at wearing mum's green bead necklace.

Advising on gardening: mum needs a bit of assistance in potting plants. This is why I like to shove my hand into potting mix. You know, to help.

Watching: I like to make sure things are all above board on Moore St. I also do a little Buddhist meditation on this bench. This is why I have a fat belly.

Supervising: Dad needs advice on how to rake. I keep telling him to tape up the handle so he doesn't get splinters, but do you think he listens? No. That's why he does the manual labour while I sit and watch.

Art critiquing: I went to the Sydney Biennale, some sort of contemporary art festival mum said. Bollocks - contemporary art is what you call art any idiot could come up with, in my opinion. Like this sign. Yes, this is freedom, you arty idiot, you are lucky I don't whack you over the head with this sign for being a ponce. Or maybe I should stop listening to dad and his views on art...

Contemporary artisting: So, as any idiot can make art, I had a crack. This is called Spagart, and it's an installation in our kitchen made from a high chair and spaghetti. It really questions the relationship pasta has with my mouth.

Sprinting: Yeah baby, I can run. Well, walk very fast then fall over. Might be too late for Beijing, but the next Olympics, or even the one after that, I am a goer. It's these chubby sprinter's thighs that are the secret to my pace.

Australia's next top modeling: Chicks dig me, as we all know. Here I am, just chillin' at the Botanical Gardens, when these ladies beg for a picture. Who am I to say no? I don't ever disappoint a lady.

So there you are, another brilliant look into the life of me. Mad skills, I've paid all them bills. And I am probably in credit you know.

Cheers
Harper

Workin' 9 to 5

Hiya there

Working 9 to 5? That's nothing. This being a kid thing just doesn't end. From the moment I wake up at around 6.15am till the moment I nod off about 7pm, I am workin' it hard. The below photos are all the proof you need.

Here I am, reviewing important paper work first thing. It is critical I make the aeroplane take off. Over and over again. It is a busy airport indeed, the title of the book certainly is no lie.

Every hard worker needs a morning tea snack. As beer and donuts are not allowed, a Sao with Vegemite is the choice. You know, I do like Vegemite. Sometimes, I even get it in my mouth.

Emptying the tub o' toys is a daily job. It just never seems to end. I empty it, then next day, as if by magic, all my stuff is back in the tub again.

Gotta lot of pressure in this job, typing up reports for the boss, paying the accounts, booking the trolley in for a service. The red wheel, which is the left back, has developed a squeak. Might be the brakes. That's all I need, another bill...

Then I have the grounds maintenance to keep up. These plants don't just grow themselves, oh no, that's a common misconception stupid people have. They need to be watered, from a can, even if there is no water in the can.

The right footwear is essential for the job. I use and recommend Dunlop Volleys. And snappy red pants.

That's just a sample of my working day. I think I am only up to lunch here.

Oh, and a big shout out to my Mighty Hawks. Man that win against Adelaide was super sweet. So Dad told me, I was of course in bed.

Right, time for baked beans and yoghurt. Not together, of course, cos that would be too weird.

Cheers
Harper

Walking the walk

Hi peeps

Just been getting up to the usual around here, you know, growing and stuff. Doing lots of walking now I am feeling better, I set a new record just tonight of 22-odd steps without falling on my bum. Was pretty impressed with myself as well, let me tell you.

This pic was supposed to be all about me, until mum's dirty pink thong snuck into frame.

I've been a bit unwell, had a bit of a temperature and stuff, turned out my throat was all yukky. I do really like the medicine though. Mmmm, mango.

Dad is such a nerd, he likes playing with my building blocks. I am not sure what the thing on the left is, I think mum sniggered though. Dad was so impressed with himself cos he used all 50 blocks. I was so impressed I trashed his creations. The fall of Rome has nothing on me.

Cousin Robin came over with a real life example of a prosthetic limb. I didn't know what that was until dad said 'hey, ace fake leg'. Then it all made sense. Once I worked out what a leg was and learnt that you could lose one. I have been very careful with mine since, and happy to report I still have both my own.

Mum thinks she is hilarious, trying to get silly pics of me...

...but I had my revenge. Some people make 'rabbits ears' behind people's heads in pics. I prefer something much more subtle.

On dad's birthday, we went for a ride out at Homebush. I was pretty stoked, with a biscuit in each hand, I thought it was Christmas again. Dad promised me he wouldn't shoot fairies in my direction.

While dad pondered the best way back, I decided to make a break for it. The beanie under the helmet was to make the helmet fit better. It's not a fashion statement. Of course, I am wearing stripes. That is a fashion statement.

A big hello to mama and papa, who are right now buying me lots of things in Europe somewhere. I wish them all the best on their most important mission.

Will try to do another blog soon. When I am done counting my legs.

Cheers
Harper